Dusk.

1.

It’s been whole lot year of happiness and relieve after the tragic. A whole year period, piled up with all the good memories. Somehow, I still have to face the events that took place after one year. I believe it is not merely consequences but more than that. I find that all the inner-conflicts are rooted in lonely moment and depressive season. With such a complex combination of season and curiosity, I stumble against the angst. No longer there seems to be a short-cut to end all the warfare. Sad to say, the world is started to orbit in my mind that than around me. This may be due to the lost in culture and different point of view. I can’t mix with whole pile of unlucky charms and harms that will deceive me into the wilderness.

Too much time I have spent in solitude and that has made me grow in an imbalance manner. Long time ago, I am just another ignorant dude that does not move much and don’t have much to care about. All have been provided for me and I can live depending on others. Every day counted briefly and carelessly.

Now, I have mistaken the trend as harmless toy that I have control over it. It’s such a mistake to even think like that about human nature. I long for pure mind that I once had in Brazilian years ago. But what is the use to long and not even try to change it? The scar and thorn remains as a threat and turning back for me. I can’t forget the downturn thoroughly but I sure need people who are willing, in a way, to share it with me. I can’t force someone into the same position like me, as I don’t hope that any people will be like me.

Around me, there are many friends, both reliable and trustworthy. But sometimes, those truths are to be revealed to more-than-friend. It is different dimension, and a friend is not need to share that kind of pain. I tried to be tough in all these but I know I can’t last long. Just for the sake of making this earth a better place, I tried to conceal and conceal. Soon, it broke up and I have to point of where to solve the problems.

2.

To change the topic in a slightly improper method, I have to talk about the atmosphere, so as not to keep on digging and hurting myself. The contrast of the sky and the intensity of the brightness have change gradually for now. I have thought of going out to have a breath of fresh air (This is the method I used to relieve myself and try to avoid problems a year ago) but it seems like it is impossible for me for now. I love green and that is the possible reason I love gardening, or more clearly, watering the plants. Many might think that this is a woman’s job and I should leave the static organisms all alone and get into my stuff. Actually it is not about the stereotyped feminine hobby that I enjoyed, but rather the process. And I am not too sure why I love this (maybe it does a great effort in healing my soul)

To experience the love being poured out on some living organisms and they remain static is both amazing and satisfying. They have repaid me back in growing and decorating my garden. They have colored my life in a different way as to compare with my friends. It is the only thing other than jogging that I do in solitary moment, that I have time to reflect and think of invincible thing. I have lost that moment when I am sitting here, pondering, dreaming and writing. And this is another of my deep obsession. It is no not necessary a parasite in me when I say that it is an obsession, rather it is a passion.

When my mind dried up and I have no idea what to write, that is the time where I suffered most. It is shameful to have those moments. Life is full of shameful moment which is also considered failure and accumulated to become success.

Stop posing, take your medicine.

With all the struggles of flashing images and politics, I find myself trap between two concrete walls. How should I ever be in such condition of inability to identify the extreme points of this relationship? I am neither blind nor deaf, but everything seems to be black. I might consider of giving it a push, but that is not my will. In amidst of unknown, it is hard to still persist in the ancient love which lust in dominated my love. With all the influential quotes and messages, I realizing I am condemning myself or my unworthiness. I came only to visit or to pass by, but at last it has become a tragic stealing, killing and destroying. Not only causing harms to this outside but cutting the life-enlighten candles half at once. I have strong feeling and opinion that this instant attractive aurora started in a night feast. In coherent with the culture and lifestyle, this might be just a normal scene and won’t cost a thing. I suggest it will. Faces and appearance of anonym transmitting signals to and fro. Undefined signals. These days are ruined. Is it still hard to fall in love?

Trying to go against the current.

Is there any equation on solving the inner problem that I am in? It seems like a quicksand that keeps sucking the pieces out of me. I mean it is all coming from very normal, trendy, and so called-classy culture. And I do believe that the culture is just as coherent as what we want. For many people have said, the materials are there and provided for everyone and the left is on your hand, whether you want to give in or not. For me they sound a bit irresponsible as not only trying to defile their image but people’s purity. Although this message is quite concealed, but I believe it is the truth. It is the dirty little secret and now I believe have become public disgrace that we treated equally as Hollywood’s movies. “It’s classy”, the same old word that have been used for an about thousand years to describe something that is eventually filthy, spiritually. It hurts the observer’s soul and mentality and on the other hand, putting the performer’s live in the verge of traumatic stress/mental disorder, or maybe in the midst of it. Maybe there are people who like to live in such condition as to completely immerse themselves in the ocean of adrenaline. No wonder it is hard when someone have to get off all those trashes and dumps, that person have to die to themselves, die to their body, be able to give out the constant temptation of hormones and fantasy, to pursue The Only Way. People no longer like to hear people preaching and about The Way, and maybe they sound like the salesman are advertising something, while people have the stereotype that products that have to be advertised are bad-selling products. We think frequently about all this stuff that I am now talking about, it is not the definition of the one true and sensational word. It is in fact a condemnation on it. Those images and videos do not even carries the deep meaning of the word. They are trying to twist-and-turn our mind that love is all about physique. We shouldn’t be self-helping in this stuff. We need communities of love.

Sometimes, I reflect on how I am being hated and how my silly act may have been a feature of my own. But things done and gone, and maybe it leaves a lil’ stain on man’s heart. People come and go also in our surrounding. That makes us sounds even more innocent and someone-like. It seems no one cares for us. And why every time it is ‘us’?

Eat your ID

I just read an article by Orhan Pamuk-a Turkish reader which I came across lately and been hooking up with everything related with him, though I have not read any of his masterpiece, to name some of it, Snow and Istanbul. From my point view, Istanbul is an exotic city covered with charming and sprinkling light, thought the political issue is relatively obvious. Despite it is situated somewhere of Islam-cultivated, but I greatly appreciate the abstract scenery and outcast architecture.

What this taught me was that, contrary to what I’d believed, a passport is not a document that tells us who we are but a document that shows what other people think of us.

This phrase has awaken me from the deep hibernate of self-identity. I had never realize that a simple booklet size passport has such a philosophical and revealing personality of it. Many a time, we are influenced by how people define us rather than how we look at ourselves. We strive to escape from this pressure, but often, we failed to do so. I am not purposely trying to lift his artwork up in such a degree that is infinite. But in every person, there knowledge and wisdoms which will one day be a great resources and instrument in changing one’s life. This truth has also led me into writing down all the junk that I consider valuable. To be able to retrieve yourself from the common society and hallucinate is a vital part in being inspired, at least all of this is applicable in a momentary style.