Recovery

This is a personal reflection; it has been some time since I use a mirror. It’s getting old.

Christmas is coming and the atmosphere is nobody’s business. It’s a reunion, reconciliation, a way of redemption. I am seeking way out from own addictive on and hell. This has been troublesome as I gave the way to the intruder to partake the communion. It’s an old past controversial sin. There is no way to be found out of this dry desert it’s the problem with the desert itself.

But I wouldn’t talk so much about this, it’s private. It’s mine and I am here to conquer.

Seemingly, this world is alone and people get to do thing alone. Some people enjoy the solitary reflection and time to be just alone for nothing, as if it is a trend or business. But it wouldn’t matter to me; I just want to write a letter now.

Here it goes.

Dear K;

I know it has been tough to try to blame you for the disasters that have been happening around, as if there is no power to protect. For goodness sake, there are still people who chose to believe something so mundane and normal to an extent that that they think their live is not affected by any unknown source. I am not sure if you are really blaming yourself for all that crap, I mean the world still goes around and someone’s brother may not be fighting with their siblings again. At least, there is peace, a second or minutes.

Recently, I observed, in a mall, that some religious figure trying to ask for donation in an indirect way. Say, for example (maybe it is not so much an example, it’s a fact), the religious figure, from the inside out, approaching a particular person that is shopping for something, hooked up on some ingredients details of some products. And the first act of this person is giving some sort of protective bracelet or artifact as a sign of protection, a sign of presence of power, of god. Then, one is asked to write name on a booklet and donate. Many would then try to run their life out of this embarrassing situation. And others, just give, anyhow, it is just a note.

Then some replied in saying that “I believe in Christ”, like a membrane that separate people according to their beliefs and thoughts. Well, what I am trying to say is that no doubt there are many people believing in Christ, from the ugly one to the beautiful, (those ugly one get beautiful when they believe and those who are already beautiful stays in their teenage dream, well, not so much a dream, but teenage reality doesn’t sound correct, no people enjoy their teenage time when it is real and happening) somehow, I think that phrase makes them even more progressive in their notion. It is a faith not based on artifacts; it’s an invisible, omnipresent confidence someone used to be and is still there. Nevertheless, the action yielded by this, is sometimes does not reflects the particular belief. No doubt, when people is working or engaged in physical activities in terms of conversational discussion or accomplishing a task, they don’t look like they are religious person, holding on something firm, but rather just a simple, volatile and normal individual, existed.

The reason that I wrote about this is not trying to be judgmental or making this entry more religious and carry some insightful thoughts. Somehow, I find this occurrence very humorous and funny. I can’t stop laughing, thinking about it.

Another thing is that I discovered the brightest way to stay away or solve this embarrassing moment is to completely ignore him or her, not replying him or her and don’t even mention that you are a Christian. (Of course, the best way is to dress in a Muslim costume, all wrapped up, then he would be scared of the sacredness and the observance. The costume plays a role of setting apart the boundaries and creates spaces of imagination, restricting growth, truly inorganic). Anyhow, people don’t like to be ignored because by being ignored, it reminds them that they are unknown (which in fact they are, no offend). People don’t scare of dying, but being erased from the memories of the people. This might be the possible reason why solitary man or woman couldn’t care less if they are dying, because memories of them does not exist elsewhere, or it is rather a depressing thing to think that. Perhaps, what is left over on earth is the heritage of memories, of being used to be present, to be there before someone. Jesus has done a great job in this.

Well, people do need peace. After leaving this place, it may be a quiet place out there or a disco stuffed with black eyed peas. But who cares, nothing is physical. Physical doesn’t hurt.

Who is the Remedy?

Dear,

This would have accumulation of uncertain subjects and frustration which carries some sense of pride. Do I not have the intention to approach you and can’t you feel my heart. I forgot I don’t even know you. During event where it seems glamorizing, it’s a pleasure to meet but also a nightmare after seeing you. What if that is the last time of seeing you in a bright condition, what I mean is while the chance still last and weather still allow, my opportunity to meet you still persist. And all these meeting amount to nothing, but the sense of guilt and memories.

Whilst, memories might have impacted my next inspiration when I meet, I still struggle to find out that besides you, there is always disturbances and distractions. The moment we are together in one place, physically distant, might always be a good timing plus encouraging spirit. For the body is weak, but the soul is willing, the physical appearance might always be the first appeal and the demonizing effect. Shall I say that it is an asset or not?

Still trying to fix the fluency and the pieces in my head, I find it quite hard to construct a complete sentence in describing all that I feel. But let it be personal so the aroma shall stay where it should. All these year of fantasizing purity in the midst of love, well, might as well be positive, but where is it?

The fixture of Heaven and Hell amounted to nothing but school. A communal and societal encounter with both love and knowledge. It cremate a kid’s future in the midst of wonderland. Death in Garden of Eden, shall I say. While this might be controversial and confusing, but it still relies on who to speak of. Many might thing there are plentiful deer out there waiting to be fetched to the night market.

Hence, from what I see, there are some grabbing going one, well, scientifically, the fittest will survive with the pleasure of “gaining” something. Arguing this point, it might not always base on the asset or ability one have, but also depend on the timing and opportunities of the nature. When you wanna strive to get a deer, never when she is hunted and became and an appetizer.

There is still uncertain in the observation of the nature in school, but I am getting it through. It seems like paparazzi but do I have a choice to get away when everything is portrayed in a piece of “The One”?

Now let us figure, who’s the deer? Who sync with it?

That reminds me of secondhand girl.

Next will be Her

It has been a period of time since I last wrote things about my life. Actually, my life is not much a big deal and hence nothing to write about. But what fascinated me is that all that is surrounding that is connecting with me is related to my soul. It is influential and negligible.

Since the great addiction falls on me and stumble(actually it does not “fell” on me, but is dug out from inside of me, it is revealed, my truest secret that corrupt my identity) I have gone through a lot with this addiction and has been free from it for a certain period of time, maybe half a year. But, when it strikes back, I stumble. And now, before my soul is detached from my intention, I need to repent and let Thy refine. For the process is internal but external do matters. So, is there any accountability? I pray that there will be and it will be opened up. My truest fear is waiting for the sincere late-comer (you don’t have much time).

I have been studying in this new school campus for about 3-4 months, which I restrict myself to confess. It is good and everything is fine and all, I hope so. But there are many identities. When the school reopened, the cores are unrevealed and everyone stays as innocent little pigs. And now, the dominance has come to weep out the poor one and no hero will exist for the dominance is the heroes of the citizens. And now for foreigners, not much to talk about, they are different people with different culture, or more accurately, too much to talk about.

Fable.

I think it’s time for me to recount the number of time I fell in love. To be sure, it is just a mere crush with no evil intention. Maybe more than 10. And all are seedless. Well, I am not complaining and all. But this is the time where there should be a revolution to redefine romance in terms of love. In this place of love, there are three groups of people. WE shall love and all and all with the purest and sincerity. And where’s my gut to love?

I should now choose another story and get form with it. The story that I am living is destructed by my own fleshy hands and now there should a reformation. However, the stain shall remain as remembrance, the pictures as blocks that restrict the haunting of my history. I shall go on and live for the best of my life, for my life is dedicated for everyone, on earth and in heaven.

I need a notion.

I doubted her. I intentionally killed her, and alternately killing myself. Where am I when there is she? But she is always beside me, inside me, hidden in a corner, yet I am not condemned of such deed. I had been celebrate and still celebrating and will be celebrating, there is more to come.

I had a notion. And I lost it in just few minutes, I lost everything, including myself, to a world of make-believe , of unpredictable disastrous fantasies.

Yet, I am not condemned.

I love you. Renew me. Redeem me. Restore my infant identity inside me. Purely. Simple.

Racks of long forgotten nemow

The old rack is the one the persevere the original and truest scent of honesty and been dumped for ever since. This may be due to the inner personality of being slightly withdrawal and difficulties in articulating the ideas or just engaging in a simple and direct conversation.

Different people and species have different conversations, but the same old rule, all are dominated and controlled and ruined by one heart. I tried not to be too judgmental, trying to focus on my thing, but everything around me seems to reveal something extraordinary. Or, in fact, something that is especially ordinary, yet unrealized. Different personalities kinda evoke themselves in the midst of fruitful period. It’s the normal. Due to the new environment and new angst and new perspectives, things started to change. Now, I feel that I am talking nonsense for this is other’s matter. So better sealed in the confidential folder and let the story unfold itself into provoking covertness in me, or among us.
Truly, that ‘love portion’ type is undeniably attractive and this can be a strong competent for those who have the skills in refining their beauties.

Issues of relationship have been carrying me around in a subconscious state, or it is devouring me?

Living in a subconscious state, not realizing that I am too immersed in books and ideas, I started to witness the ugly side of everything. Is it being pessimistic or being judgmental. But I do admit that through the weakness of someone, I started to treasure them and admire them more and more, but sometimes this process goes another way around, which bothers me a lot.

Likely, in every new environment, the new sense of being will provoke me into a state of being an audience or even predator, literally. I do admire the person that is so automatically suited in the new surrounding and stand out as someone very attractive and bright and everything. This people do know how to be a man and stain people’s day with all thoughts and live in our dreams. As this, I would like to put all blame on Holden Caulfield, an abstractive friend of mine, whom I had encountered last year or years before, he thought me a lot, but after reflecting upon it, I found out that his ideas are fatal to be applied but the ambience and atmosphere are things that will forever dwell in our presence. His routine will never leave our dreams and we will forever be his nightmare.

*I have written all these with no honesty and with the intention to cover things up, except the last paragraph. Words have been written to be a part of the disaster and emotion, never there is such a medicine as good as words.

Dust

Isn’t there anything on this piece of sacred land? Is there a bit of hint that defines our emotional for the time being here? Here, in this vicinity, there are cries and anger, love and compassion, everything that we’ve been through since we are born from the maternal womb. But, the most pitiful, is that human tend to forgot about their root. Though, it is inevitable that bright future lays on the pasture of otherland across the sea. This land I am mentioning is like a source, a place that produces “resources” and “minerals”, the place that everything stays here and the person goes elsewhere, in search for another half of their soul.

Everything has changed too much to an extent that it is hard for me to differentiate between the pre- and the post-. The old one has been dust that does not even a single meaning anymore. It loses its purpose that it form a foundation-without my attention- to the existence of myself. Many thing that seems worthless to us when we are living in the future but that is what carry us through, that changed us, that transform us.

The bright and beauty come and go, and who else to stay in the old past. The hectic schedule has forsaken us, and we are forsaking the past, the memories. Who are here to stay? The past and the memories are the place where the ignorance and stubbornness persist and dwell and ponder. They have their own dreams. Those who can’t get through the boundary and overcome all that came along with forgetfulness of the past, they are not fit to be in the state that everyone is in.

Everything is started with their new faces and approach individually. There is no time for nonsense or pondering. Hit it or leave it. Get up from the chair, leave the damp old room, shut the door, expose your tender skin to the warm but vibrant sunlight, be with real ‘human’ and do something significant. A thing that will change his or her life and our own life. A win-win situation that will repeats itself by our motivation, to be in the light rather than in the darkness, to delight rather than to be doomed.

( A constant reminder and note of encouragement for ownself)

Peace and joy all along. Grace of Christ be with us all, now and forever.

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