I need a notion.

I doubted her. I intentionally killed her, and alternately killing myself. Where am I when there is she? But she is always beside me, inside me, hidden in a corner, yet I am not condemned of such deed. I had been celebrate and still celebrating and will be celebrating, there is more to come.

I had a notion. And I lost it in just few minutes, I lost everything, including myself, to a world of make-believe , of unpredictable disastrous fantasies.

Yet, I am not condemned.

I love you. Renew me. Redeem me. Restore my infant identity inside me. Purely. Simple.

Racks of long forgotten nemow

The old rack is the one the persevere the original and truest scent of honesty and been dumped for ever since. This may be due to the inner personality of being slightly withdrawal and difficulties in articulating the ideas or just engaging in a simple and direct conversation.

Different people and species have different conversations, but the same old rule, all are dominated and controlled and ruined by one heart. I tried not to be too judgmental, trying to focus on my thing, but everything around me seems to reveal something extraordinary. Or, in fact, something that is especially ordinary, yet unrealized. Different personalities kinda evoke themselves in the midst of fruitful period. It’s the normal. Due to the new environment and new angst and new perspectives, things started to change. Now, I feel that I am talking nonsense for this is other’s matter. So better sealed in the confidential folder and let the story unfold itself into provoking covertness in me, or among us.
Truly, that ‘love portion’ type is undeniably attractive and this can be a strong competent for those who have the skills in refining their beauties.

Issues of relationship have been carrying me around in a subconscious state, or it is devouring me?

Living in a subconscious state, not realizing that I am too immersed in books and ideas, I started to witness the ugly side of everything. Is it being pessimistic or being judgmental. But I do admit that through the weakness of someone, I started to treasure them and admire them more and more, but sometimes this process goes another way around, which bothers me a lot.

Likely, in every new environment, the new sense of being will provoke me into a state of being an audience or even predator, literally. I do admire the person that is so automatically suited in the new surrounding and stand out as someone very attractive and bright and everything. This people do know how to be a man and stain people’s day with all thoughts and live in our dreams. As this, I would like to put all blame on Holden Caulfield, an abstractive friend of mine, whom I had encountered last year or years before, he thought me a lot, but after reflecting upon it, I found out that his ideas are fatal to be applied but the ambience and atmosphere are things that will forever dwell in our presence. His routine will never leave our dreams and we will forever be his nightmare.

*I have written all these with no honesty and with the intention to cover things up, except the last paragraph. Words have been written to be a part of the disaster and emotion, never there is such a medicine as good as words.

Dust

Isn’t there anything on this piece of sacred land? Is there a bit of hint that defines our emotional for the time being here? Here, in this vicinity, there are cries and anger, love and compassion, everything that we’ve been through since we are born from the maternal womb. But, the most pitiful, is that human tend to forgot about their root. Though, it is inevitable that bright future lays on the pasture of otherland across the sea. This land I am mentioning is like a source, a place that produces “resources” and “minerals”, the place that everything stays here and the person goes elsewhere, in search for another half of their soul.

Everything has changed too much to an extent that it is hard for me to differentiate between the pre- and the post-. The old one has been dust that does not even a single meaning anymore. It loses its purpose that it form a foundation-without my attention- to the existence of myself. Many thing that seems worthless to us when we are living in the future but that is what carry us through, that changed us, that transform us.

The bright and beauty come and go, and who else to stay in the old past. The hectic schedule has forsaken us, and we are forsaking the past, the memories. Who are here to stay? The past and the memories are the place where the ignorance and stubbornness persist and dwell and ponder. They have their own dreams. Those who can’t get through the boundary and overcome all that came along with forgetfulness of the past, they are not fit to be in the state that everyone is in.

Everything is started with their new faces and approach individually. There is no time for nonsense or pondering. Hit it or leave it. Get up from the chair, leave the damp old room, shut the door, expose your tender skin to the warm but vibrant sunlight, be with real ‘human’ and do something significant. A thing that will change his or her life and our own life. A win-win situation that will repeats itself by our motivation, to be in the light rather than in the darkness, to delight rather than to be doomed.

( A constant reminder and note of encouragement for ownself)

Peace and joy all along. Grace of Christ be with us all, now and forever.